you get this joke in 30 minutes or it's free

Lemme tell you something...
the road would be a whole lot safer if there were less Domino's and more DiGiorno's pizza vans out there.

he was the guy that probably messed up the banks in the first place

Twenty bucks used to seem like a lot of money.

Then it didn't for a while.

Now it does again.

Can I get that money back that you owe me?

i keep the remote in my left hand

If something is labelled 'New and Improved' there is a 52% chance that it is the same old shit in a brighter wrapper.

If billed as 'Ultra' or 'Extreme' however there is a 78% chance that it will fuck you up.

"Real Pro Ultra Total Body Massage Lounger will get the tension
out of your body and even features Junetsuultra-kneading massaging.
This bad boy is the ultimate throne for a bachelors pad!"

The copywriter is inferring, I believe, that I should, as a bachelor, dream of pleasuring myself in this chair.

No doubt that is a bad-ass extreme jerk throne but $4700 retail is an awful lot when I can just use the same chair I've been using since I bought it for $199 assembled at the Office Depot in 2005. Man I remember that day too I just couldn't wait I rushed back so fast to my pad thinking what I was going to do with that chair.

And how about that sales guy too? On the way out he yells to me, "Well thank you again sir and why don't you just go fuck yourself?"

i walked around with one all day

1. the emperor was unusually hard on his loyal subjects
   
   
2. you've got it easy...when I was a kid in Japan we had to walk five miles to school,
   uphill,
   and we had to carry a giant freakin' penis
   
   
3. new from Trojan Tokyo,
   Biggest Mr. Happy Pagoda with Soft Velvet Rope
   
   
4. good wood 'nuff said
   

it's literally right across the street

I'm like a lot of guys. In that I work near an airport.

And where there's an airport, there's a strip club.

As it happens there are a row of dealerships across from the strip club you know...in the place near the airport.

I've been going to this strip club semi regularly I guess once a week for the last month or so while we fiddled and pondered the collapse of the American auto industry.

Last night I was with a big girl, the biggest girl in the club. But who am I to talk? I told her I liked the way she danced and she giggled, "I don't really have a lot of moves. I am horny though."
I later commented (to myself) that I had been looking for that, a big girl. Right the horny part too, the horny part was good.

It always sounds nasty when you say, "I went looking for that" like I was trolling and drooling in the street like some slathering stooped-over dr. jekyll or mr. hyde; you know the bad one.

I guess the tiny girls looked nice too, with their spines poking out of their backs and their taught stomach muscles all contorted and writhing.

soup

Whilst regularly mentioned when listing the greatest of all the soups, French Onion is regrettably never good to go.